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Apocalypse Nano

di Alessandra Daniele

Le centrali nucleari italiane saranno sicurissime.
Noi italiani siamo precisi e organizzati, non casinisti come i giapponesi. Come sempre, i nostri appalti saranno limpidi come il cristallo, i nostri cantieri totalmente in regola, le nostre assunzioni basate sul più rigido criterio meritocratico, i nostri controlli rigorosi ed imparziali. Costruiremo centrali tecnicamente all’avanguardia, nel rispetto dell’ambiente e del territorio. Le scorie saranno smaltite in modo corretto e tempestivo, com’è sempre accaduto per ogni tipo di rifiuto urbano.

E poi l’Italia non è zona sismica.
Quello dell’Aquila è stato un attentato islamico. Quello di Foligno un cedimento strutturale. Quello in Irpinia non è mai esistito, fu solo un complotto dei magistrati per diffamare la classe politica locale. I morti del Friuli furono vittime della feroce repressione comunista statalista, perché chiedevano il Federalismo. Le loro case vennero distrutte per rappresaglia, e per cancellare il Sole delle Alpi dipinto su ogni facciata. Il Belice non è in Italia. E’ nel maghreb, e fu devastato dalle lotte fra le tribù locali.
Nessun reale terremoto, o frana, o inondazione, o bradisismo, sono mai stati registrati in Italia. L’eruzione del Vesuvio che si credeva avesse seppellito Pompei fu in realtà solo frutto dell’immaginazione d’uno scrittore di fantascienza dell’epoca, tale Plinio il Cazzaro, che l’attribuì a un tentativo d’invasione aliena.
A un’attenta ispezione del ministro Bondi le presunte mummie di Pompei si sono rivelate falsi made in China per abbindolare i turisti. Il governo ne ha quindi ordinato la rimozione, insieme a tutte le altre rovine locali. In quel sito sorgerà presto una nuova discarica, assolutamente sicura ed ecologica quanto una centrale nucleare.
Da decenni la propaganda comunista cerca di spaventarci, di farci credere che massicce dosi di radiazioni potrebbero danneggiare la nostra salute, mentre tutti i più recenti e imparziali studi medici dimostrano il contrario. Le radiazioni facilitano la diuresi, e aiutano la naturale regolarità, eliminando il senso di gonfiore. Rinforzano la radice del capello, e con le loro micoparticelle di uranio riparano lo smalto dando sollievo ai denti sensibili.
Purtroppo molti italiani sono ancora vittime della disinformazione comunista, e in particolare della bufala di Chernobyl, organizzata con l’aiuto del regime sovietico, che arrivò a distruggere un’intera città russa al solo scopo di falsare il risultato del referendum italiano sul nucleare, e ottenne anche di danneggiare la nostra economia, bloccando il commercio di verdure a foglia larga.
Non lasciatevi spaventare dai proclami apocalittici dei comunisti antimoderni che vorrebbero costringervi a tornare all’età della pietra, quando per accendere la Tv si dovevano sfregare a lungo due pietre di selce. Le notizie che vengono dal Giappone sono rassicuranti e credibili: inviati da Obama col teletrasporto, Jack Shephard e Desmond Hume stanno tappando le due centrali nucleari danneggiate, e tutta la zona circostante ha già smesso di viaggiare nel tempo.
L’Italia non subirà nessuna conseguenza, le ondate di profughi giapponesi verranno respinte in Libia, e viceversa.
Questa certezza ci tranquillizzi, insieme al pensiero che, nella remotissima ipotesi che un disastro naturale si verifichi nel nostro paese, potremo sempre contare sulla Protezione Civile migliore del mondo.

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